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too emo to post on #SinfulSunday :(


just been too emotional

too depressed

not sad, i stop myself from feeling that as much as possible

mostly feeling overwhelmed

no safe zone

in need of aftercare without any of the bdsm pleasure

feeling very much like the universe is using me for hardcore sm challenge

i want the fun, the pleasure, the normal struggles in life

just too overwhelmed

got to spend time with TinMan yesterday

that helped and that hurt

so easy to slip into the past and hate my ex husband for stealing my life

each day i have to fight the depression that says i should be in a partnership

that my bed shouldnt be half empty

that my house shouldnt be so caotic

that my life shouldnt be so stressed

that my eldest shouldnt yell at me, saying he isnt my boyfriend… there by meaning he feels he shouldnt have so many responsibilities

i want less stress and more cooperation

more fun, less mental abuse

my son is now 18

i have been treating him like an adult for the last year

trying to train him what the real world is like

he sees me as a petty tyrant

is incapable of helping

i am his maid, his slave… cinderella with no dress, no ball, no prince charming and no fairy godmother

but i am the problem (in his eyes)

people tell me i need a vacation

that wont help

i need control over my life

but i cant seem to get that

every time i come close something comes along and cuts me down

i’m tired of being strong

i’m tired of getting abuse when trying to do my job as a mom

i’m tired of the fighting

i’m tired of being alone… as in having a wealth of friends i never to rarely see, who live their lives without me

i am tired of reminding myself not to be jealous of the happiness of others

i’m tired of people saying i need a shrink when what i NEED is a job, steady income, improved health, less stress, more friends nearby, normalcy and better language skills to cope with living in a different country

tired of not being me

i want to laugh, go to parties, host parties, go camping, go to the movies, go out for drinks, go to music events

i want a garden with beautiful plants and to have people over for a bbq

so tired of having no interest in anything because i cant afford to spend energy on wishing for what i want and knowing i wont have it

i dont want to be strong any more

i want someone to help take the weight of the world off my shoulders because i keep trying to put it down, the stuff i shouldnt be carrying but it seems magnetized and flies right back at me

feeling so lost

ok i have cried

i have vented my soul

time to go back and be strong

be what everyone seems to think i am

so here

a pic for you to oo and ah over

forgetting my words and emo crap

IMG_1702

cant go wrong with toes, sole, nipple and rounded nipples

hope your monday is less emotionally charged than mine

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