too depressed to post… sorry


i hate this time of year

i try so hard to stay positive and push the pain away but depression always sneaks up and gets me

no money

living in a house that keeps me depressed and unable to get a job or get my life organized

can’t get a better house that is the size i need because no job

people want to put me in a smaller house to fit the money the government gives me

but smaller means more of my things have to go in storage

i already have a storage unit at almost 200 a month

how is putting me in a smaller house better if i have to rent more storage units to house my things and where do i put my boys when they are with me?

am i supposed to have them sleep in the fucking car?

how am i supposed to get ahead if i keep getting screwed over by people who havent got a clue

how am i supposed to see my kids if they keep putting my in places further away and it isnt fair that my mentally and emotionally abusive husband has my kids! MY KIDS!!! only one of the 3 is his by blood and the fuck nut told me to abort when i was pregnant

how the fuck am i supposed to be strong when i keep getting screwed over

….

so if you want sexy pics… fuck you… i do this blog for me

not for you

if you are one of the people that message me telling me how sexy i am and what fucking we would do if closer and blah blah blah

you are part of the problem too

i don’t have a sex life

i have a “i get used” life

i don’t feel anything sexual, my nerves are fucked and i don’t feel any of those happy tingles in the sexual nerves… they are dead or damaged

sex is boring for me

i get nothing from it

and i fucking tell people this all the god damn time but they don’t get it and they keep trying to get me to turn them on and make them cum and make THEM HAPPY

i don’t like getting used

so if you are one of the users… either fuck off or fucking pay me for your bullshit

i am too depressed to deal with the shit of others

i have too many problems and everyone who says they are helping me are actually not

i am alone

i have no friends i can count on when i need them

i only have a few nice people in my life and even them… they gain more from me than i do

so i am done

no more boyfriends, lovers, what not

i’m just me and fuck it all

if i’m going to be lonely and alone i might as well avoid getting screwed over and used too

so sorry if no sexy pics for the hoildays like i wanted

too many idiots in my life making me miserable and then being told it’s my fault i am unhappy… i don’t need that shit

 

 

 

i hate this time of year ..mini rant


i hate this time of year
*
i have a house that is still a mess because i dont have enough storage units to store shit
virtually no furniture
*
probly not going to afford much for the kids for the holidays
*
probly wont get paid for the food they eat while the stay with me the first half of the holidays
*
right now, all i really want is the house to be warm, clean and some simple decorations to bring back the magic they havent been getting in the 6yrs we have been here
*
i hate this time of year
*
i am over budget on everything
*
i wash my dishes by hand because i dont have a machine..i spend hours at the sink and it is depressing
*
i have no washing machine and spend about 50€ a month doing laundry at the laundry box nearby… more hours of my life gone
*
i bought material to make curtains so i can keep the heat out but i still have to finish the edging and buy things to hang them
*
i have to fix my car… god only knows what they will tell me, might end up needing 800 or more in repairs if they get looking for reasons to take my money
*
i need the cd player deblocked and the driverside chair deblocked..hope i dont need new tires AGAIN.. i have to get it checked for that thing you do.. cant remember the name in english or french but that thing for making it road legal cause that is coming up next month
*
it is sluggish..does that mean new spark plugs or something? i dont know cars
*
my cat and the neighbors cat are trying to piss in my plants… inside plants…
*
neighbor was a drunk fuck, he smashed up his car on the new road hump that was installed with all the other lovely changes to the little town i live in… he fucked up a lot of shit and each airbag deployed and front window has long cracks and there was oil allll over… same neighbor that has no problem trying to molest me or tries to get too close to the other two female neighbors (one younger than me, one older)… seems karma is going to be one cruel bitch to him
*
hope he leaves us alone, i dont need his bs
*
unemployment people look at me and say “but you dont look sick” and want me working 35 hours a week
*
i havent worked in 6.5 years and the year before that i was either pregnant or on maternity leave… so make it i havent worked part time or full time in at least 7.5 years
*
there is no way i can cope with that many hours, my health is way better but …i need more sleep than most, i need a fucking dishwasher and washing machine or i cant work..yay catch 22
*
doesnt help that they want me working as a secretary..in the uk or the states i could but no fucking way in france! just no way… it is too complicated!
*
and it doesnt help that my son goes to school 35 min north of where i live, the unemployment people want me visiting their location or working near them which is 25-30 min east of where i live and over an hour from my son… he has issues too and i cant be that far from him!
*
no one is listening to me
*
they hear what they want and do what they think i need
*
i dont get the right paperwork! i am made to look like some crazy fool that is overly paranoid! even my paranoia is justified when they keep fucking me over!
*
the people who are empathetic to my situation cant help
the ones who can help dont give a fuck and fail to see why i am so upset
*
i am fighting so many small battles and big wars
i dont want a shrink..
i want fun
*
i want a life
i want the small things
the simple things
i want friends that are closer to me than (min 35 min and i have to drive cause they dont) over 2hours away
*
i want a girls night out..whatever that means…i wouldnt know cause i dont do that
*
i want to go to the movies
*
i want the normal small shit that people take forgranted
*
i want the OPTION to do my nails and pamper myself…i just want that option
*
i want to stop “coping” ..stop existing..i want to live and have a life
*
i want to give that to my kids
*
i dont understand why everything has always been so damn complicated
*
yes, i know, there are others who have it worse
but i am not them
my pain and fears and frustrations are valid!
*
i hate this time of year
it reminds me how worthless i feel every day and try to for get that
i know it is bs..part of the damage applied to me, the traumas of being a victim vs getting past all that bs and being a survivor ..aka trying to be/look normal
*
fuck i hate this time of year
*
and too much to do …so cant keep whining…have to go bitch at people for being retarded…again!

What to wear with these heels?


I took this picture (see further down) when my dog was feeling depressed and I needed to make sure he understood that he was special to me

I am not in love with anyone but I am able to love many people and this man is good to me…

There has never been anyone to hold me tight the way he does and I needed him to know it

 

When someone you care about suffers from mood swings, depression or other types of mental disorders and they doubts or fears or are suffering….

You take care of them

 

It doesn’t matter if you are in the kink life style… it doesn’t matter who is Dominant or submissive

It doesn’t matter if they are your lover

Your spouse

A relative…

or “just” a friend

 

Those that matter

They MATTER

 

Show them

 

With my dog, I know he loves my feet, he loves many things but his foot fetish is what brought him to find me

So I decided to fuel his passion and remind him I care

 Image

 

Now that I have given information on the picture and the need to support and comfort those with mental disorders…

 

On to the fun parts 😉

Tomorrow he wants me to wear those shoes

He has never seen them in person

I have been working on getting him used to sharing with me, the things that turn him on and things that turn him off

Most of what I do as his Mistress… is in the mind

The more information I have, the better I can be what he needs and that means the more fun I have… it is a loving balance

So my problem with those heels….

I don’t know what to wear with them

And I am NOT driving to his house in only those heels

 

Any suggestions? 

E.B. Starpointer

erotic author and sex-positive male commentator

An Accident In Space And Time

Just your average, friendly Vulcan

Exposed Loving

Be Love. Bring Love. LOVE.

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