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    May 2021
    M T W T F S S

Update on “a fraction of why I need help” post

sorry in advance

but there is no auto what-not and i could give two fly testicles about punctuation or capitalization

writing this on the tablet
meaning no fancy paid for apps with all the rigmarole that does the fancy shit
then emailing to myself
might be able to check for spelling mistakes but
i dont have many fucks to give

my last blog post was end of july
one “fun” misadventure after another

to sum up last year/2019

my social worker abandoned me mid way through the year, when she found out i had access to money from the house between my ex husband and myself

due to being in high hermit mode
rarely checking the mail

i missed an appointment with the social worker
literally by 1 day
with covid making mail extremely sporatic
no matter when she SENT the letter
it most assuredly did not arrive as quickly as privious years

as i cant function, in french, over the phone and the fact that with covid and no transportation
meaning it would take me 2 hours to walk to her location

which means id already be dealing with my own health issues just to make sure i made the time

on top of “omfg what will the weather be like” because it was either tons of storms or intense heat and sun
then add in elevated heart rate
panic attack once in her office AND having to wear a mask

fuck that

so i sent an email explaining my situation
oh yeah but they dont check email

so i recieved a new letter saying i had not giving a reason for missing the appointment


and that a new appointment for the next month was scheduled
what fun

halfway to the appointment date
i get a call
so yeah… appointment has been canceled

i tried to explain my suituation to the women on the phone but the woman would hear none of it
no new appointment scheduled

seemed my social worker was sick and would be off work for a month

so living off the barest of gov assitance
all due to my ex husband and the 3 past highly incompetent and potentially racists (yes racism does exist against anglophones)
behavior of my social workers since moving to this area
i never got the help i needed and qualified for

so yay

august 19th the energy people shut off my electricity
i sent my youngest back to my ex a few days early

to which i received a nasty letter from him
stating i was being childish
that real parents adapt to situations
stating i am treating him like a baby sitter
and a lot of other bullshit
ending with a threat to make sure if my behavior continues
he will make it possible that all contact with my son ends

oh joy

the 20th i walked to the local town hall
3km away
forcing them to step in

later that afternoon
a temporary social worker popped by
heard my story
was appaled by the neglect and treatment i had recieved
started working on what paperwork he could help me get

as well as finding me a lawyer
which i needed for sept 17th about the house

so yay!!!!
an actual reason to be happy!

i have no idea what is going on with the lawyer for 2 reasons

1… Because it seems you have to have your nose up their ass (anyone in a position of business) for them to contact you with updates

Which is difficult for me due to the language issues and C-PTSD

2… Translating what she sends me!

a friend stepped in to help translate as the details she sent me
were always in PDF

meaning… i cant translate

not capable of copy/paste into a translation program

taking a screenshot and using the google lens translation option…
holy fucknuggets batman!
made no sense

pretty sure some of the words were either made up or in one of the languages from an african country
not even joking!
i have seen a number of unusual (to me) languages

pretty sure one of the bits translated said i need to believe and something about setting things on fire

was like trying to understand an Oracle of Delphi

3 other ladies stepped in to help
absolutely lovely

though they remind me of the 3 fairy godmothers from sleeping beauty

which is not taking away the alternative universe disney princess feel i have been having about my life since moving to france

now… i write this today, sept 21st 2020

it has been 33.5 days without electricity


the majority of that, has also been without fear or panic attacks!!

i did have one crying melt down one morning… i was desperately craving peanut butter, as it is extremely beneficial for my brain health… and i only had chunky

granted it is only mildly chunky compared to what you find state side

Again… this may not seem like a huge deal
but my molars are fucked

since my paperwork isnt in order, thanks to 3 social workers, i haven’t been able to have them repaired
meaning things get wedged in between my teeth and it really hurts

remember… i am a stroke survivor
due to the vagus nerve running past the mouth and to the brain
any oral infection is a real risk to my brain

So yeah… In theory…
not a HUGE deal emotionally
but it then reminds me of all the empty promises of my ex…

how we/he would fix my teeth
the trauma associated with the dentists here as well as back in the states
and this keeps me looped into the trauma and gaslighting from my ex
as well as the bullshit from dentists

one dentist/specialist literally said “but just think, if you get fake teeth you cant enjoy a stake”… bitch!
how the fuck do you think im enjoying a stake NOW (back then as well as today) with fucked up teeth?!!!!

after meeting with the 3 fairy godmother ladies
having to keep my calm
having to smile, be social, be fully competent in french and explain much of my trauma and health issues

plus listening to them reading the emails my friend had forwarded from the lawyer about the old divorce paperwork and the house paperwork

by the end
i was over stimulated
trying not to throw up
suffering high anxiety
having to lie to them that i didnt have the paperwork they wanted to look at RIGHT NOW

because if i showed them… they would stay longer and had already been there for hours
plus the heat and full sunlight
my brain was melting

i was literally becoming dyslexic in an audio way
which yes… that is a real thing
it is something i never suffered before my stroke

i needed to rest, recover, rejuivenate
the next day was completely “wasted” by sleeping and trying to avoid going into a panic attack

I am and will always be highly social
but being so, in French, drains so much energy from me and takes a long time to recover from

being forced into hermit mode for YEARS and then add in covid forced isolation
it is extremely difficult to be in social situations and drains me even more


i am EXTREMELY proud that i have lived so many days without fear and that i have been able to get through situations that would have normally sent me into a panic attack due to my C-PTSD

to give an example

i spent the last few months of 2018 in my typical depression and high anxiety panic attacks

the winter months are especially hard due to so much past trauma
which typically lasts from mid october to late january, early february

but not with 2018/2019

no… with 2019 i spent the first 6 months in daily panic attacks that would happen multiple times a day

there had been so much stress
so many things piling up
so many emotions
trauma continuing to be dished out by my ex

not to forget that in february my middle son was hit by a drunk driver while riding his 50cc to my house

literally.. had he been the typical skinny french teen, the ones built more like elves… he would have died

thankfully he is built more like an american football player/ human (in regaurds to D&D stats) with big broad shoulders, a barrel chest and a decent ratio of fat and muscles

to give an idea…
due to my hight and dimentions…
im built more like a tall dwarf (dammit i am not growing a beard!)
or a dwarf human half breed

so the fact that i have gone 33.5 days with only a few points of high anxiety and no panic attacks
thats a gods damned miracle!

i did recieve a letter last friday
stating that i could get help of some kind for the electricity bill

something that I should have been getting help with all along since due to my health, i literally cannot work in france
an anglophone country yes.. but not here

unfortunately it asks questions that are not simple “yes or no” in nature and a few have backstory that needs to be taken into account and corrected

again… i love my last 3 social workers…. she said laced with intense sarcasm

i have had 4.5 social workers since leaving my ex

1 was young and fanFUCKINGtastic but sadly i had to move way from her

the 3 bitches of eastwick (will not sully the reputation of witches on them 3)

plus the temporary social worker counts as the .5

sadly he is on vacation for another week
and i am forced to once again work with my last social worker

last week my real social worker came back to work… no news from her

but i did let him know that if she acts up with the same bullshit as before

i am so motherfucking snitching on her
because i DO NOT WANT to work with her but she gets 1 chance


1 of the 3 fairy godmother ladies has offered to make an appointment with the social worker so that she can be there with me to offer support and make sure the cunt does her damn job

i have literally had so many people ask me “so what do you want me to do about it”… uh.. your damn job?

the woman literally has 20yrs of experience as a social worker, in paris but wants me to do her job

i am from a different country, i have health issues, i am struggling to heal from a nasty marriage, a stroke, autoimmune issues and the trauma of being abandoned in this country…

how can ANYONE expect me to do the work for them?

on the plus side
this fairy godmother lady works for the government and has been divorced

so she is badass and knows her shit

she also knows the good people

she has put me in contact with her doctor, who is in the community and speaks english

so after i finish this…

i have to write to the doctor and explain…
why i am writing
my health history as much as i remember
what tests i feel are needed
and a rough psychological over view of what i have been going through

cause its not exactly like i have been able to go see a shrink

the only one i know that speaks english isnt exactly in walking distance and i cant afford her

there is no way a french only speaking therapist can help me, as it has already been proven due communication issues,
such as with the one neurologist trying to play therapist and trying to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder

which i know i dont have because i know and have volunteered with many people who suffer with this disorder

what i had at the time was bipolar, 3 types of depression (hereditary, seasonal and situational), c-ptsd, gaslighting and codependency on my then husband due to the gaslighting and psychological and emotional abuse

so yay
so much writing to do but i am feeling capable and articulate

though i’ll probably do absolutely nothing tomorrow due to the need to rest and recover from trying to explain 28 years of health issues and 20 years of association with an abusive narcasist

but i’m getting there
slowly but doing it

and i demand karmic justice
especially since the ass is trying to scam me out of half the value of the house down to 1/4th
while the divorce may be “finalized”
i do not know if what he is doing is legal

i dont even know if the divorce was legal!

as i was forced to sign under duress…

a year after the stroke
no real follow up therapy to figure out what had changed with my body and brain
Put on a medication that damages my heart and gave me menopause like symptoms
still living with him and his abuse
an abusive and crap lawyer
being unable to read the document
in a panic attack and unable to understand what was going on
in primal fear that i would be tied to him longer

but because he looks the part…

calm, cool, collected, an upstanding french citizen, a PhD in cell biology with a good job at the local hospital and it was him asking the divorce…

of course it was him asking….

i was codependant on him for everything, including him picking my lawyer!!

a shit lawyer who had the metaphorical balls to cut me off while i was trying to explain that im handicapped (her cutting in there saying “well thats too bad”) as i was trying to explain that yes i have health issues but also the fact that i was dependant on him for everything, the language issues, the inability to work here due to all of that and being from a different country so not fulling knowing or understanding my rights or who to contact or how to get the help i need

but ya know…. “well thats too bad”

with the exception of 3 close friends and the people from the last few months…

EVERYONE i have interacted with in france has been fair weather friends, users/scams, horrible to me and the majority causing trauma

with everyone in positions of power telling me to take my private/confidential, details to friends or neighbors to help translate and or fill in

how the fuck is ANYTHING i have been through even been legal!

but im still here
i refuse to give up
i have hit rock bottom
been through hell and back so many times that i qualify to give the guided tours
have had the entire country try to erase my existance
dont even get me started on the fake friends and users
or the folks “but you need a man in your life to do that”
yeah… what man? with very few exceptions, the guys i meet are pepe le pew leg humping muppets
as in rapists in training, physically violent and or drunks

oh! dont forget the stalkers!
they have been SO much fun
literally thought one guy was going to murder me and plant me in his garden
you think im joking

and everyone assumes i am faking, lying or over exagerating…
2 examples

first example

because i look healthy
because i sound intelligent when speaking french and can seemingly follow along
obviously the french language must not be nearly as complicated for me as i express
add in the typical crap all people suffer when dealing with an invisible illness
but multiplied as mental health care is not a huge deal in france and folks try to avoid anyone handicapped
but since i dont LOOK handicapped…

second example

my ex calls me a hypocondriac
which is slandar!
i have proven health issues and real reason to fear for my health
be it diagnosed or still in the process

if i were a valid hypocondriac
i would have continued seeing doctors over the past 6 years
but i havent
i have avoided them… well… like the plague

my damn copper birth control thing expired in 2017
still have it in me
since leaving my ex, i havent seen anyone for my brain
i have no idea if some of what i went through over the past few years were reocurring strokes
i know i should be tested for hormone imbalance, i tried but holy fucknuggets that went badly and never got tested
plus so much more

i have been so badly treated… just in the states… by nurses, doctors, specialists and dentists
that going to them is like visiting your rapist, having to control C-PTSD, expose yourself to them, thank them and pay for the damn experience… and i have found it all way worse in france

but im still here
even after going through emotional flatlining
even after being forced into hermit mode
even after my cars all died and i had to walk 7km, both ways, to get groceries and hauling back a minimum of 40kg in various bags
going up hill, down dale, avoiding cars on country roads, through the forest, over tractor paths, sometimes at night because it could take up to a total of 7hrs to do all of this, which included the needed breaks.. or having to repair the damn tire on the wheeled shopping bag

but im still here
after all the emotional trauma and so many years, in or after the marriage, of being suicidal
even after being forced to live in what i call groundhog day purgatory

i am still motherfucking here

and literally
all of the above
is just the tip of the iceberg

but the thing is
with my situation
its like looking to figure out which iceberg is mine and using the mars rover, looking back towards earth, to find my specific iceberg!!

but im still here
because i am truly badass and not fucking giving in
if i am forced to take the money for the house
no matter how fucking small
ok i will

but if i am ONCE AGAIN forced to be raped, in one fashion or another
my next step is taking it to the mayor of poitiers
she is new, she is young and i know she sure as shit will not let this kind of bullshit happen


because if this is happening to me…

in a time of human rights, of womens rights, of victimes rights…

then i am doing it for me, for my boys, for all of those who have tried to help me and for every damn person who is going through something even remotely similar

you know what i learned about the guy who tried a hit and run on my son?

that he had previous situations of abuse and violence, often associated with drinking

but OBVIOULY it wasnt the fault of being a drunk

no it was anger issues and that is what is typical in france

not an alcohol problem.. says he only had one glass of whiskey… how motherfucking big a galss?

because i know how typical country fucks drink

but an anger issue problem

since he is violent often
abusive often
since he said he never saw my son on the scooter and knocked off the side mirror of another car involved

saying he thought maybe he hit an animal vs my son

how the fuck do i know that he didnt do it on purpose?

not specificaly targeting MY son but specifically targeting the scooter/rider
because honestly

drunk with anger issues… it is a legitimate possiblity

so yeah
thats the update
including some normal pictures as i havent been in the mood to take erotic photographs
no fun to try and feel lady like when taking cold showers

Ooo oh yeah..

for those following…

yes, the machine for the hot water and heat was changed in february (had died in december)

but the “new” unit was used, not fully empty, exterior got slightly beat up during installation

a NUMBER of parts had to be replaced
majority were quick and easy to find
but that last damn part, the one that is a specific seal that does this magical thing…

the one that avoids letting water leak onto the electric box for the machine…

took untill late august to arrive

so an entire fucking year (ok 9+ months) with only 1 hot shower a week for risk of damaging the machine
then no electricity to install and check the piece


its been so fucking fun living in this hell hole

a small example of why i am demanding karmic justice from the universe

Trying to feel zen
Me looking for Cappuccino kitten but others on Twitter and Instagram focusing on nipples 🤣
Cappuccino kitten was found and captured 🤣

Sending love to the universe

I’m a scorpio…

Full of passion, mystery and depth

But with 12 years of pain, it’s been hard to properly manifest my passions

Art being one of them

But today I felt the pull to be creative and express myself

I have so much love within me

Too much to give to only one person and so much to give in only one form

I’ve learned to give love in many different ways

I happily give unconditional love and as much love as I can also give to the type of love that comes with conditions attached

But I don’t feel that love should be limited to only romantic coupling, family and pets

I freely give it to friends and strangers

Today I’m giving it to everyone who has knowingly touched my life

As well as to those who have no idea I exist

Plus everyone in between

I’m sending this love out to the universe, because we need more love to tap into and I know what starts with me… With the self

It will eventually come back to me

So I did this painting

Trying to show the warm depths of my water sign and trying to shift that heart, my love, into the flow of the universe

It’s rare that I create art any more

I’ve been in such a dark place

Being a hermit and trying to cope and heal from the damages done to me

I’m getting there

It’s slow but happening

So I give you my love

Pass it on

Pimping my gamer/YouTuber son #sfw #GetYourHeadOutOfTheGutter

If you enjoy game play videos and crazy, loud humor, random voices and accents with random sexual jokes and swearing…

Kailen has been creating content…

He has the personality to be a professional YouTuber but needs more subscribers and views

He’s currently editing game play where he played the game with the controller backwards…

Because why the fuck not 🤣🤣

He is also looking for more fun people to game with who want to be in his content or game with others who already have a channel

I know it’s a mother’s job to be proud of their kid (he’s almost 22) but it’s way more than that

He really is obnoxiously funny… I say that because his humor can go from dad humor (sometimes worth a groan but still funny) all the way up to madness you’d expect on Saturday night live, Mrs Brown’s boys and game grumps

He really is a riot and it’s obnoxious because he just needs more networking

So that’s the job this mom is taking

Please check him out
Pass him on
Share some gaming time

I have pimped him out 🤣🤣


Lost weight and feeling more me!

Holy fuck….

It just sank in as to how much weight I’ve lost

I don’t get stones… Right now I’m 11.5 stones
Doesn’t sound like much

Ok kilos I kinda get cause I have visuals around me to understand… I’m 73.3 kilo

Pounds I know and grew up with… 161.599

I’ve lost 19 kilos… Sounds good right

Did the translation


I’ve lost 41.888 lbs

In a year and a half

This just hit me like a ton of bricks to my brain 😂

I really need to get my ass in gear and post new pictures, redo old pictures and show the progression

I’ve been so unmotivated to post on my blog but maybe that’s a good thing

My health is improving, even with the god awful heat wave through Europe… Which could literally cause me another stroke… So I’m not being a whiny cry baby about the heat

I’ve been hanging out with my “sister from another mister” for the last few months and we average 30 to 50 km (18.64 to 31.068 miles) per week when we walk all over town

I’ve been adding temporary color to my hair and even my natural color is slowly coming back to its former glory 😂

Overall I’m feeling more me… And honestly, I’ve had a higher sex drive on average… Wether I act on it or not

I’ve made new friends who I hope will help me start to tone up and work on strength training once it cools down

Or new friends I’m hoping will teach me to dance and get over my fears of humiliation… Weird right?

I can post nudes, flash my tits on stage or have sex with an audience watching but fuckin’hell I feel awkward dancing cause ermigawd!! I might be judged!!

The brain is weird

I’m getting there

I’m doing it!

I’m gaining back all that I lost of myself from over a decade of mental and emotional abuse and neglect

I’m getting “me” back

With my smarmy attitude and my no fucks given!!

Going places!

Not giving a fuck if I wear makeup to hide the damage to my skin

Being silly and obnoxious with friends! Hell I’m singing in public and not giving a shit!

And working on my tan with a lil help from a new friend

I’m doing it!

You can to… In whatever way you need, you can do the positive too

I’ll try to post more, this has motivated me but it’s very hot here so I’ll still be slow

But I want my life back and this blog is a part of that

Thanks for being a part of it too ❤

Kitten takes a selfie

So I’m down to only 9 cats of various ages …was up to 17 last November

Hopper is a dopey kitten

He seems to love me most out of all the hoomans

Or maybe he just loves my boobs

I’m really not sure


poetry, shorts, and other stuff

Free thoughts

For a better communication


Often Erotic Musings from a queer, kinky and definitely dirty girl

An Accident In Space And Time

Just your average, friendly Vulcan

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