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male vs female kink ratio ..fetlife reply

as before

fetlife never fails to make me think

granted there is wine

but my thoughts are still mine

so as per usual

here is the post on fetlife that made me go “hmmmmmmmmmm”

(god i miss arsenio hall)

poster said:

Evening all

This has probably been asked before but why is it that kink in whatever shape and form seem to be vastly more popular with men than women?

and my response

ok let me put in my two cents…

i am an american living in france and i spent two years in the london metro area…

i apologize in advance if anything i say, based off of my experiences, should happen to piss anyone off or make them go “omg no you are totally wrong”

so…. male vs female kink

the problem is that male vs female ANYTHING is always in favor of men

the reason behind this thought is that…
men… boys will be boys
guys are encouraged to go out and fuck like mad, sew those oats and be randy

women are told to be good lil virgins, only fuck for the man we have already married and god forbid we should take pleasure for ourselves

with this in mind… we ladies are also told that what we think isnt important, what we do is ok but men will do it better or get paid more for the same shit and not to forget that if we don’t look barbie doll perfect or run way model outstanding… that we don’t exist

now… that is life in general
not even touching the rapes, the abuse or other bullshit that happens to women on a daily basis which shapes how we see ourselves, even when we try to stop being in victim mode

even the most adjusted female
the least abused or victimized female
all of us suffer from the media telling us who we should be, how we should look and what is attractive and acceptable

with this in mind.. and not counting the cultural crap we have to deal with in religion or our own communities (be it big town or small country village)… women have to, in general, fight to like themselves.. to feel safe in their body, to be ok with touching their own body and taking pleasure

not all women suffer this
not all men are dicks

but the majority that i have known, in the states, the uk, france and those i have meet from other countries…the majority of women have a shit load of crap they have to wade through before they can get past the idea of self pleasure and having sex for non marital relationships… not even getting to the point of kink

now depending on which country you are in, changes all the responses i could have on men… in the states it varies from frat boy idiots to shy virgins (literally or nearly so).. all the way up to frenchies and others thinking 50 shades is gospel

the huge problem is lack of communication and refusing to learn what bdsm started as, where it has gone and what that means to you and your partner

too many are scared or crazed and in a frenzy to jump in
too many who judge
too much crap

so, thats my two cents
there is just too much bullshit that weighs us all down

reply to fetlife venting/statement … how “a certain body type is not a fetish”

People upset me

as I am often repeating this, I am sure you are aware of this fact and I know at some point I will feel forced to say it again…

tonight is another .. “oh look what fetlife has to share with me” sort of email situation

and unlike other times this has happened I will not be posting the entire message that has me in a snit

the reason for not posting it all is out of respect to the personal history stated in the “example” parts of the message/venting/rant/opinion?

While some parts are easy for me to agree with, other areas ruffle my feathers and though it may seem I am tailoring this blog to my opinions… ok well I am but I am not doing so to be “right”

my blog, my thoughts.. simple

you can agree, disagree or be neutral .. but that’s on you based off who you are and your experiences..

so here goes….

Loving a certain body type is not a fetish.

Definition of a fetish: a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.

Men who like BBW are considered freaks. The hatred I have seen for these men has left me taken aback. They are treated as deviants. As women, we are treated lower than human. Fat shaming is one of the most social acceptable for of abuse.

Fat doesn’t equal evil. Fat doesn’t equal deviance. Fat isn’t a fetish. Fat isn’t abnormal. Fat isn’t an inanimate object. Fat doesn’t make a person good or bad. Fat doesn’t mean lazy. Fat doesn’t equal bad health.

Everyone eats. There is nothing wrong with enjoying eating if you are fat. Everyone needs a certain amount of calories each day.

My point of writing this is…just because a man is attracted to you it doesn’t mean it’s a fetish. I have thought that for a long time. I know there are other’s who think an athletic man or any man for that matter has to have something wrong with him in order to like a plus size woman. It’s not fair to them. It’s not fair to us. You are not a fetish and he doesn’t see you as a fetish. You are not abnormal. He is not abnormal. Don’t take on the warped ideas of modern society. It wasn’t only this way. Instead, undo the propaganda.

He sees a woman. That is all. You are a woman and that’s all that matters.

Ok so here is what I had to reply

the brain is wired to … x… = fetish

for me pony play gets me excited purely from a photography stand point

it does nothing fetish wise for me

some people like feet, others like smoking…

but yes there are people who want to feed/be fed or prefer larger sizes/fat in general…

for them it is a fetish

they are part of a feeder/fat fetish community

i recently met a guy in that community and i have met a lot of people over the years…

i know the intensity a fetish can bring out in someone and how to tell a genuine fetish vs liking something a lot…

fat was very much a fetish for him, to an extent with humiliation play but that was purely a side thing

i have met men with a fetish for shrinking or being shrunk

met two guys who wanted to be eaten (one in europe, other in the states)..

not 100% eaten but damn near

one of the guys wanted me to tie him up, treat him like a pig (literally) with an apple in his mouth and go through the motions of eating him with as much physical contact as possible and have the same meal on the plate so as to make it more real

one guy i know cant cum at all if he doesn’t hear the sound of a woman taking a piss

pyromania is often linked to masturbation/sexual feelings

but those things don’t fit in with the definition of fetish that is listed in this post

my problem with the definitions of “what is” or “is not” … they are written by humans who have yet to become omnipotent .. thus anything that was a certain idea 10, 15, 20 yrs ago may no longer apply now and will certainly change in the future

if you don’t believe me, just look at how music has branched off over the years or if you want to keep it strictly sexual look at alllllll the new fetishes/terms/groups that didn’t exist 20 years ago

how we look at people, how we treat them is often based on what society deems important at any given time..

take deodorant.. people started using it en mass because advertisement started and a shaming campaign was created that you were not part of the in crowd etc if you had (naturally occurring) b.o.

we all have to treat ourselves better and best way to do that is to stop the hate spread by media/marketing… shaming of any one/kind needs to stop

i learned at a young age… people (as a whole) suck, individuals are awesome

i also learned at a very young… there is nothing wrong with me/you for being different than the “norm”, you cant force people to wake up and see you for you… you can only offer your best and move on when they stay in the trap of what society thinks is important/beautiful and refusing to think for themselves

but this is my opinion

take it, leave it, ignore it…

many hugs

#fetlife question “Approaching women when out?”

so, as per usual when i mention fetlife…

some subject inspired me and i decided to share the question as well as my response

poster questioned:

Hey all,

Im curious, how do women actually feel about being approached, be it in clubs (vanilla and kink) and generally when going about their day?

Would you be creeped out or is it flattering? How viable is it for a guy!

Thanks 🙂

and my reply was

it all depends on the delivery

example… guy at the airport was very attractive, as was his silent friend… now mister talkie talkie was the type to make sure everyone heard what he was doing and saying, no matter how inappropriate it was or how embarrassing it must have been for his friend

after hearing him hacking up loogies in the mens room (the open floor plan and acoustics made it hard to miss) or joking about all kinds of shit (literally and figuratively)… then later seeing him lounging on a bench next to his silent friend
the rude guy was spread out, legs open wide as he semi laid back and was chatting loudly…

we finially finish our business with the car rental people and have gone to the bathroom before going to the main terminal to check our bags…

and as we walk past the talkie talking dude busts out with “i look good”
we were the only ones around and it was aimed loud enough to capture our attention

now i am sarcastic and wont take bs from any age group, i know i look younger than 35 so maybe the 20something year old thought he was romantically preaching to the same age group choir … but no!

so without skipping a beat, without turning and making sure i comment just as loud… i reply “yeah but you sound like a 2 year old” and continue walking without saying anything more or laughing…though later i was laughing historically at his stupidity
now…i get a LOT of jocks like that who think they are giving compliments or i get stupid folks who think a back handed compliment is still a compliment (you look good for your age or size or hair color or whatever! is not a compliment, it is an insult to put a condition on a compliment)

i also get a lot of shy guys that seem sweet and unsure of themselves, other times guys who are more confident…. but most of them still expect something back for “paying” that compliment

there are very few who give compliments for nothing…just the pleasure of making someones day
on the flip side i know that is also true for a lot of guys
there is a huge number of men who never get compliments or a lot who get nothing but sexual oh baby i want your hot bod compliments

i make an effort to give genuine compliments when i see someone who inspires me and i want nothing in return and i dont linger to seem like i expect something

last guy i said something to was this gentlemen at wigmans in maryland
i walked past him standing there with his shopping cart, he looked like he was waiting for someone, he was taller than me (at 5′ most people are taller lol) and he looked over my head not seeing me at all but i happened to see his eyes and i literally caught my breath

his eyes were so beautiful

i kept walking as i was following someone but we ended up doubling back and he was still there, so i told my friend i would be right back and walked up to the guy
caught his attention and told him i was not trying to flirt but had to admit his eyes made me catch my breath, that they were very beautiful and i smiled sweetly and walked off

the look on his face and change in his body posture was priceless
you could just tell he either never had that happen or that it was such a rare thing and really made his day

so like i said, it is all in the delivery and the motive behind the compliment

What does cuddling mean to you?

every so often i will see something in my inbox from fetlife that will inspire me to write

this message has been sitting untouched for about a week now

but today i was brave enough to face the question and the pain that always comes with such a sensitive subject

affection, cuddles, touch, mental stimulation is what i need

often around me i find people who are unable to understand why these things are so vital to me

one guy on a dating site said i should just get a puppy and drop the sites

another guy said i should see a shrink

lovely men there are in the world

(not that today’s women are any better)

i take the time to explain who i am and what i need

then i get attacked for being me

for being my special kind of “handicapped”

ah well you cant expect everyone to be able to handle the truth

or to say no to their over active libido and under developed IQ

i know that not all men (or women) are like this

but i often find the worst before i find the normal or exceptional ones

i am not pessimistic… i am honest..realistic

i am not half empty or half full…i am the glass..

so this question was asked

and with all fetlife questions that i share on my blog

i do not give the comments of others or names/handles

What does cuddling mean to you?

How far does it go before its not cuddling? Some “cuddling” that I’ve experienced isn’t cuddling at all. Its full fledged messing around. Personally, those aren’t the same thing. I like having stuff defined so everyone is at least in the same book and there are minimal surprises. Let me know your thoughts.

and this is what i had to say

i like to sleep with people
not sex
doesnt have to be heavy petting or kissing

just two or more bodies in a bed or on a pile of pillows
arms around each other
feeling warm, safe, content

my life is full of stress and pain
i need the innocent and affectionate side of cuddling
like how puppies or other baby animals group together and sleep

all day
i have to be strong and cope and try to look normal
but i suffer a lot of chronic pain and stress

when i cuddle
i get to let go of that
i get to relax
and relaxing is so damn hard for me

but so few people seem to get this concept
and trying to explain this to the french
the guys all seem to think i am crazy
or that i am hiding what i “really” want

where i am it is very lonely

the women are distant and usually cold or fear breaking taboos
the men usually just want sex.. not even kink…just sex
so boring

thank you for inspiring me to write
i will add this (what i have to say and your question, not others comments) to my blog
but no worries, i never put names or images unless requested

what i didnt add in my reply is that i have had a number of people assume that i mean foreplay and sex when i tell them i want to cuddle

when i was state side, there was a guy i met online and i clicked with him

i felt very comfortable with him and just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms

no stress, no pressure, no drama

he was like me in that he had a troubled past with a broken marriage

but he assumed i meant i wanted sex and drama

it amazes me how i can write a blog

share all that i am on any single subject

explain that these are my thruths

this is who i am

read me

and yet they don’t and they make assumptions and we both lose a chance for something good

i dont play games

i dont like lies

i dont want to be used

i dont want to be a slut to try and find the affection i need in touch

i dont want to compromise, again and again, who i am for others

i want to touch and be touched

i want to rest my head in your lap while listening to music or watching movies or sitting in the park

i want your hand running through my hair

my body curled around yours if we are in the park

or my body parallel, entwined with your legs as you lean back

i need your body close to me

as close as one can be without merging into one being

i need to feel safe, protected, wanted… not sexually desired..wanted, cared for

with this i can relax

with this i can let go of the stress and pain

i dont understand why this behavior is accepted in pets…animal on animal contact

or human and animal contact

but not with human to human

we are animals

i know i have said this before

but as the world has not stood up and taken notice

i say it again

there needs to be more love

more unconditional love and happiness

not hippy free love and no thinking

puppy innocence

but this is what i think

my two cents

IMG_3174 a

ps… you see the white space around me in this picture

that is where you belong

cuddling me

fetlife … fetishes, long hair and why people should fuck off

once again i have been inspired to write

reading through some of the posts that show up from fetlife

i found this one interesting because i have had friends challenged about how kinky they are or look

one friend almost getting tossed out of an event because he just looked too normal (there was no dress code)


this post is about a fetish being judged

the person asks if anyone else is being asked to justify their fetish

she enjoys men with long hair

it is an intense pleasure

it is her fetish

she writes

I’ve got a few accounts on other fetish and dating sites. Increasingly, I’m being asked to explain the ‘anatomy’ of my fetish. I’m regularly accused of being shallow and I’m commonly told: ‘Liking long hair isn’t a ‘REAL’ fetish but merely a preference’. Surely,


is defined as:

noun: fetish; plural noun: fetishes

a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.
“a man with a fetish for surgical masks”
synonyms: fixation, sexual fixation, obsession, compulsion, mania;

I’m upset and confused as to why, others seem to view aesthetic fetishes in a more negative light? I’m in NO way shallow and dislike this assumption with a passion. Why do you think others can’t take us seriously? Does your experience vary?

Please, discuss and share your thoughts.

Thanks xx

so my response was the following

remember, it is how i see my world, not how everyone should see it

i have been studying the kink/bdsm world since i was 12

ok 8 if you count how i felt about david bowie in labyrinth…

yeah yeah he has a cock in his pants but oooo what is that “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave”…. D/s mind games!!! i love them!!!

the scene has changed over the last 20+ years
much like music, a good strong starting point for ideas but later splicing off into similar paths with more added to the mix

some people are stupid, arrogant and happy to remain clueless
they judge and think they know best
telling what you should be like instead of trying to understand what works for you

i know a couple of guys with the fetish of shrinking and using…; either they are shrunk or their partner shrunk and someone getting used in a naughty way
usually i have males that want to be shrunk and have me put them in my panties or image i eat them or what not

not my thing… i get nothing from that, hard to even imagine it

i had one guy that really wanted to pretend like he was being eaten
hog tied, slathered with sauces, fake baking and fake eating

again not my thing does absolutely fuck all for me

poney play.. seriously? i just dont get it, i mean i understand how it works i just dont get how it is enjoyable

but thats me

my fetish is touch and cuddles and a good voice
i am also a giver, i love to give pleasure to others and i often take pride in it, a bit smug even
the best is giving in such a way that it can cause pain (not harmful) for those who like to be dominated in a more mother goddess loving way… love hurts as well as heals

i just cant pull of the big bad ass latex dominatrix lol

everyone is different
their brain is wired differently
we enjoy life our way
but best to do it in a way that is consensual and causes no harm/damage

just something that caught my eye and wanted to share


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