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    July 2020
    M T W T F S S

A Fraction of why I need help

Below is part 1 of what I wrote and need to translate to give to my social worker who literally abandoned me last year

My life is hell and I haven’t even touched on what I went through last year after she abandoned me

Nor does it touch on what I have been going through for 2020

Because I am tired of people mouthing off instead of honest communication and because I DEMAND JUSTICE instead of petty acts of revenge or feeding into the trauma

I’m sharing this publicly so maybe I’ll get some help for my situation

Maybe I’ll get someone who will translate

Maybe I’ll get a Lawyer to actually be a professional and contact me back so I can move forward

Maybe people will understand just how fucked up my life is because my ex husband was emotionally and psychologically abusive to me, my boys and occasionally physically abusive

I have not yet edited it for spelling, punctuation or whatever

I’ve been too busy trying to find the energy to face my c-ptsd and just write this, as well as part 2 (2019 events), part 3 (2020) and part 4 (a list of medical needs and other things)

Part 1


This is an update on my situation

I will try to translate this using google or deepl but there will still be mistakes

Please read everything
Take notes on anything you have questions about, this way we can discuse them and find ways to fix any problems

This is extremely complicated for me and is triggering my C-PTSD but I am making a huge effort and investing hours of my day to simply write the English version

Please acknowlege my efforts by giving the appropriate level of attention

I am a survior of Emotional and Psycological martital abuse

I have also had to survive this type of abuse from the professional world.. be it in France or the states

I am also a survivor of a stroke

I know
I have said this before

The reason I am repeating myself is because NO ONE takes me seriously and NO ONE makes an effort to change their behavior to accomdate my VERY REAL needs

I am handicapped

Because I look young and because I look and sound capable, people refuse to acknowlege my compromised health or my limitations

Instead I am judged as a hypocondriac, paranoid, overexagerating and or lazy

This behavior from others… only perpetuates my stress, anxiety, C-PTSD and puts my brain at risk

AT NO POINT have I recieved proper help in France

AT NO POINT have I been allowed to heal

AT EVERY situation, I am expected to function like every other person in France
I can’t


I am shuffled off from person to person
I am not taken seriously
I am treated as an anoyance
I am abandoned
By everyone

What is worse… I am expected to do the job that others are trained and paid to do

While also being humiliated and punished if I don’t have someone, on the side, to translate and help me with the paperwork

I am also forced to sign legal documents that I LITERALLY cannot properly read or comprihend

I am constantly being told… to take my CONFIDENTIAL paperwork… to the neighbors anor to friends, in the assumption that those unqualified people can help… again, being told to find a non professional to do the job of the professional

How is that legal?

How is that meant to make me stronger, so that I can gain back my life and become a functional member of society

How am I not being paid to attempt the work… when it is NOT my job, I have no training and barely understand my legal rights in France

I need help

but because I look healthy, I am being told I don’t deserve help
Be it in words or actions

Because I look healthy, the majority of people I deal with… judge me

Be it the average person on the street who thinks I’m an obnoxious uni student of 25-30, instead of a 40 year old mother of 3 young men ages 13, 18 and almost 23

or professionals who are racist agains anyone who is an anglophone

or by men who are looking for a potential victim to boost their fragile ego

My life here is a daily hell

I am trapped in perpetual purgatory…
France is a beautiful prison for me

I am not allowed help
I am not allowed to heal
I am not allowed to move forward
I am not allowed to leave

I have been finacially ruined
My self esteam has been torn to shreads
I am not allowed to have a life like “normal” people

Which means that I can’t make friends here

Those I do trust and allow into my life… end up screwing me over and then abandoning me or become overwhelmed trying to help translate paperwork and walk away

It also means that there is no chance at finding love

Mainly because the majority of men in France are creepy, stalkers, users, low in emotional intelegence, incapable of showing (yet demand) respect and are rapists in training

Not to mention the very real DANGER of physical abuse or death, for saying no to a stranger asking for a cigarette or the risk of getting beaten if a favorite sports team loses

All of which means that not only is my brain starved for stimulation but I am also touch starved

Both of which makes coping with the daily hell and healing… that much more difficult to deal with because I literally have no type of support group on any level

When I say that I am not allowed to heal…

I can’t do the paperwork needed to update any and all of my information

Which means that I my carte vital is not up to date
Which means I can’t go to the doctor or dentist or anyone else for help
Unfortunately I have a LONG and VALID list of treatments or tests that need to be performed and are being neglected
NONE of which are superficial

It also means that with all the times I have been to doctors, specialist and dentists (be it in the states or France) and have been treated badly to the point of being legitimately traumatized… I continue to suffer and cannot move forward or heal
Which also puts my future at risk

One specialist completely disreguarded the fact that the pain in my brain started when I was 12 years old and I had a partial temporal lobe seizure… instead telling me that the chronic pain I was going through, nearly 20 year later, was more likely from an emotional stress loop and told me “we will try to find the tree in the forest” as well as “tell me about the relationship with your father”

The reason I had been in his office, was to get a document to have my brain scanned so that I could find out WHY I was suffering 2 decades of severe brain pain

Pain so intense, that I would be on the floor crying, for days and no amount of any kind of medication would stop the pain

I never got the scan
He was more interested in trying to put me into group day therapy at an out building for the CHU

Which, as I have said before… therapy is absolutely useless if I cannot have acess to someone who speaks English

Shortly there after, I had the stroke and the head of radiology was terrified for me but, because nothing legally has to be translated in France and because my (then) husband was acting as translator…

I STILL have no idea what is wrong with my brain
Which means I can’t get help or move forward

I spent one year on medication that damaged my heart, destroyed my ability to regulate my body temperature and at NO POINT was I ever evaluated for the type of damage done to my brain, nor therapy to retrain my brain

From what I have observed over the years (as I have not been back to a specialist/hospital in years) since having my stroke…

My ability to function in French is drastically altered and severely limited

I can speak French reasonably well
My ability to comprehend what others say, is severly limited

My ability to read French… causes a migrain, the text becomes dyslexic (which I did not have prior), I cannot focus on the words, the text starts to blur and I have no control over my brain going into a panic attack

All I can do is try to control how deep the panic attack goes and avoid involuntarily throwing up

I am 100% certain that if a high resolution, active scan, was done of my brain, while reading in French, my brain would barely register for activity

While the same scan, performed while reading in English, would fire up all or 90% of my brain centers

Yes, these sort of tests do exist and explains the reason why some people are able to read a book and use multiple senses to bring the book to life… such as hearing the voices of characters, smelling or hearing a discription, getting goosebumps at the mention of a cool breeze or an erotic scene

I cannot remember conversations in French
I can remember the emotions, a few key words but not enough of the French conversation to be able to function and follow directions

When at an appointment or on the phone, I do my best to be under control but I am still in a panic attack

That means I am not capable of taking notes because I have to spend the majority of my energy on trying to stay undercontrol instead of breaking down

It also means that I have to spend the rest of my energy trying to focus and remember what is going on at the appointment or during the phone call, as well as having to mirror back what is said but using a dumbed down version of French to confirm that I understood correctly

The majority of individuals I do this with, have not be properly trained on how to deal with someone performing this behavior and try to interupt me
Which means I have to start over, they interupt me a second time, I have to then tell them WHY I am doing this… so that I can restart, for a third time, to feed back the information and gain confirmation

This technique is used in a number of business, as well as a type of therapy that is used to solidify infromation in the brain so that it will fix in place…. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

After years in customer service, being a manager and working with top level scientists… the PROFESSIONAL in me, is SCREAMING internally at how many people should be fired or retrained… specifically in this region but all of France as well

ESPECIALLY those who work the phones at the psychology departments for the CHU out buildings, because those indivuals have no empathy, will not pay attention to what you are saying and seem to take pleasure in causing a panic attack in others
Those people LITERALLY have no business speaking to the public

Because I have been severely traumatized by the medical world and nearly died due to incompetience, suffered racist behavior when I lost the ability to speak French WHILE having the stroke at the chu or was forced to take medication that ended up giving me severe allergic reactions and being falsely diagnosed for Borderline Personality Disorder…

It is impossible for me to go back… even though many believe I am a hypochondriac

My avoidance of the medical world, due to legitimate trauma, shows that I am not a hypochondriac and speaks more about the incompetent judgemnets of others

The reason I am going into so much detail is to establish a few things

1. have you paid attention?
2. have you skimmed through this and automatically judged me?
3. have you lost interest?
4. are you suddenly feeling some sort of emtional reaction to this list?
5. are you paying attention now?
6. yes this list was necessary due to YOUR specific past behavior



Even with all of my physical, psycological and emotional health problems
I am STILL high functioning
In both the intellegent and emotional quotideans

but my brain HAS been altered

I can no longer do math, I have no sense of the passage of time, I have noticed a number of other ways my brain has changed…
Noticably while during panic attacks, that become so intense that I demonstrate autistic tendencies, when I had none prior

Such as being over stimulated by all of the 5 senses… at once, individually or in clusters

Being unable to lift my head and look people in the eye, hands curling up with arms locked to my chest

Entering into stroke like symptoms, such as not being able to comprehend or form full sentences… occationally this happens in one language or the other but thankfully not both at the same time

Due to ALL of the above and adding in the behavior of my ex husband…


It is EXHAUTING to live this way and triggers flare ups in my, still undiagnosed, autoimmune disorders (lupus sle? multiple scolorosis?)

I can be doing the dishes and start to panic
I can be eating a snack, I can be having a conversation with my 13 year old, I can wake from a nightmare, I can be in the garden taking a picture of a bumble bee on a flower

The gigantic problem with all of this, is that because I literally cannot go seek medical help for multiple reasons…
I don’t know if I have had one or more strokes over the last few years

Each time I am forced to go into society and confront my panic attacks, to have visits with you or other professionals or past doctor apppointments… it is literally like walking into an office to be raped and thank them for the experience

I am also a rape survivor

So I am WELL aware of being powerless and violated

Each interaction that is supposed to be done in a professional manner, leaves me feeling violated and powerless, as if I was once again a teenager who holds past life memories of being a capable and functional adult

Every time I reach out and try to seek help
I should feel safe and assured that the system is in place and people in positions of power are there to behave like professionals and that has yet to be the case… even after 12 years living in France

But I am still forced to keep trying
No matter how powerless and violated I am made to feel by people I am expected to trust

Now that I, hopefully, have your attention
Let me explain what 2020 has been like, since you abandonded me, after our last appointment in 2019

5 Responses

  1. ’til “tell me about the relationship with your father”
    I think i will send you the translation by small piece, it’s easier for me.

    Ma carte vitale n’est pas à jour, je ne peux donc pas aller chez le docteur, le dentiste ou n’importe quel professionnel médical pour avoir un peu d’aide.
    Malheureusement, j’ai laissé de coté une longue liste de traitement à prendre et d’examens à effectuer, tous très importants pour ma santé.
    Chaque fois que je me rends chez un professionnel de santé que ce soit ici ou aux USA, je n’ai pas été traité de manière correcte, au point d’en être traumatisée.
    Je continue de souffrir, je ne peux pas avancer et guérir, cela met en danger mon futur, ma vie.
    Un spécialiste a complètement négligé le fait que mes migraines ont commencé lorsque j’avais 12 ans et que j’ai fait une crise d’épilepsie partielle du lobe temporal… Au lieu de ça il me dit que les migraines dont je souffre depuis 20 ans sont dû au stress émotionnel, il me demande de parler de mon enfance pour trouver l’élément déclencheur, « parlez- moi de votre relation avec votre papa ».

  2. I begun the translation ’til:
    “I can’t do the paperwork needed to update any and all of my information”.
    I think i could finish it before the end of the week.
    But i don’t think that will be usefull, administration here is heartless Shalla.
    Good Luck anyway little corn fed wisconsinian girl (We chat a little bit on adopte last year before i felt into a bottomless pit of despair and alcohol)

    Voici le point de ma situation actuelle.
    J’essaierai de traduire ce texte en utilisant google ou deep l, mais il y aura toujours des fautes d’orthographe.
    S’il vous plaît lisez la totalité de ce texte, prenez des notes si vous avez des questions, de cette manière nous pourrons en discuter et trouver des solutions.
    Écrire autant est extrêmement compliqué pour moi et aggrave les symptômes de mon syndrome post-traumatique.
    Comprenez bien que ceci me demande énormément d’effort, aussi je vous prie de me lire avec attention.
    Dans ma vie maritale j’ai subi de nombreux abus émotionnels et psychologiques.
    Des professionnels médicaux m’ont également fait subir ce type d’abus.
    J’ai également survécu à une attaque.
    Je sais, je vous avais déjàs parlé de cela.
    La raison pour laquelle je me répète est que personne ne me prend au sérieux, personne ne fait d’effort pour adapter son comportement à mes besoins qui sont réels.
    Je suis handicapée.
    Parce que j’ai l’air jeune, et parce que j’ai l’air capable et fonctionnelle, les gens refusent d’admettre que mes problèmes médicaux et mes limitations sont réels.
    Au lieu de ça, on me considère comme une hypocondriaque, une fainéante, une personne qui en fait trop.
    Ce comportement me stresse énormément et aggrave les symptômes de mon TSPT tout en aggravant les risques d’attaque cérébrale.
    Jamais je n’ai pu recevoir l’aide dont j’avais besoin en France.
    Jamais il ne m’a été permis de guérir.
    À chaque fois dans ce pays, on attend de moi que j’agisse comme tout le monde comme une personne « normale ».
    Je ne peux pas.
    Je suis handicapée.
    On me ballade de Docteur en Docteur.
    On ne me prend pas au sérieux.
    On me traite comme une nuisance.
    Je me sens abandonnée, de tous, tout le temps.
    Le pire c’est que l’on me demande de faire le travail de gens formés et payés pour cela.
    On m’humilie et l’a me punis si je n’ai personne avec moi pour effectuer les traductions des documents administratifs.
    On m’oblige à signer des documents administratifs que je ne peut ni comprendre ni traduire.
    On me dit sans arrêt, de faire traduire mes documents confidentiels par des amis ou des voisins, comme si des personnes sans qualifications pouvaient faire le travail de professionnels.
    Est-ce que ceci est légal et juste ?
    En quoi cela m’aide-t-il à être plus forte, à redevenir une personne utile à la société.
    De plus je ne suis même pas payé pour faire cela, ce n’est pas mon travail de comprendre le système judiciaire en France.
    J’ai besoin d’aide.
    Parce que j’ai l’air en bonne santé, on me dit que je n’ai droit à aucune aide, ni en mots ni en actes.
    Que ce soit de la part de personnes croisées qui pensent que je suis une étudiante expat exaspérante de 25/30 ans, alors que suis une mère de 40 ans avec trois enfants de 13,18 et 23 ans ;
    ou de la part des professionnels de médicaux racistes envers les anglophones.
    Ou de la part d’hommes en recherche d’une potentielle victime pour flatter leur ego fragile.
    Ma vie quotidienne est un enfer.
    Je suis coincé au purgatoire…
    La France est quand même une belle prison pour moi.
    Il ne m’est pas permis de recevoir de l’aide.
    Il ne m’est pas permis de guérir.
    Il ne m’est pas permis d’avancer dans ma vie.
    Il ne m’est pas permis de partir.
    À présent je suis ruinée.
    Mon amour-propre est anéanti.
    Il ne m’est pas permis de vivre comme une personne normale.
    Je ne peux donc pas me faire d’amis ici.
    Ce à qui je fais confiance, que je laisse entrer dans ma vie… finissent toujours par profiter de moi et ensuite m’abandonnent, ou alors se retrouvent submergés par tout ce travail de traduction, en ont marre et m’abandonnent.
    Impossible donc de trouver l’amour ici.
    Le problème étant que la majorité des hommes en France sont des manipulateurs et des profiteurs sans aucune empathie, incapable de montrer le moindre respect tout en l’exigeant pour eux-mêmes N. Ils ont un comportement de violeur.
    En plus il existe un réel danger d’agression ou même pire si l’on se refuse à un étranger ou même si on lui refuse une cigarette.
    À cause de cela mon esprit est en manque de stimulation, mon corps aussi est en manque de stimulation, en manque de caresse.
    Lorsque je vous dis qu’il ne m’est pas permis de guérir…
    Je n’arrive pas à me débrouiller toute seule pour tout ce travail administratif, j’ai besoin de votre aide pour mettre à jour tout cela.

  3. Did you find Someone to translate shalla?

  4. Liking this post seems the wrong thing to do. More it’s just an acknowledgment of my reading it. I guess I don’t understand why you can’t get help. I believe you are having these issues but would think there would be a lawyer who might take up your cause and help you. Doctors are tricky. But again I would hope you could find one who would actually listen to you. It’s so sad that you haven’t. Stay safe. Vent here anytime.

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