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#WankWednesday still a thing?

Took more pictures last night before taking off the make-up

I felt pretty

Which isn’t something I’ve been feeling for a while

It’s hard to feel attractive when you can’t shower properly

The boiler for the heat and hot water is still on the fritz, with the lockdown, the replacement piece needed is on hold and when turned on, the water leaks onto the electrical box

Which is a right royal bitch

I have been suffering like this since December, the new machine should have changed things but my landlords are cheap bastards and put in a “new” unit that is 6 years old, wasn’t fully empty of water and damn near every important piece had to be replaced…

It’s hard to feel attractive when the stress and piss poor diet aggravate my body and make my skin look like shit

Which I don’t bother hiding at home and can’t hide with makeup when I go out to get supplies… Walking means sweating and that makes the makeup look weird as the foundation changes

Even wearing makeup can’t hide the scar damage from last year and all the trauma that happened to cause cyst flare ups

But last night I could use soft filters and makeup to hide the damage

To hide the feeling of self consciousness and self loathing

To hide the trauma that has made me bitter, jaded against society and the loneliness that cripples me daily… yearly

I could show the softer Me

The gentle Me

The lover I can be

I miss showing that side of me

I miss being silly with others and being loved for it

No hating on the silly, we can’t be serious all the time

And the asswipes and stay the fuck away!

I hate constantly needing to bitch and rant at the stoopids, the pre rape like or stalker personalities of men around me, the fake women who are users instead of friends, the injustices in the world as well as my specific groundhog day purgatory that has nothing to do with the lockdown

My world is so small and ever shrinking

My only escape is the internet

I miss being me…

8 Responses

  1. You are always welcome to leave your cares and inhibitions with me

  2. It is always a joy to see your pictures and read your words and as always you are lovely and beautiful.

  3. Do you have brightened my day, and of course my x-ray eyes or peering through that blanket.

  4. But you were boiling in that bedding

  5. A great group of pictures which show your character!

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