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    December 2014
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i hate this time of year ..mini rant


i hate this time of year
*
i have a house that is still a mess because i dont have enough storage units to store shit
virtually no furniture
*
probly not going to afford much for the kids for the holidays
*
probly wont get paid for the food they eat while the stay with me the first half of the holidays
*
right now, all i really want is the house to be warm, clean and some simple decorations to bring back the magic they havent been getting in the 6yrs we have been here
*
i hate this time of year
*
i am over budget on everything
*
i wash my dishes by hand because i dont have a machine..i spend hours at the sink and it is depressing
*
i have no washing machine and spend about 50€ a month doing laundry at the laundry box nearby… more hours of my life gone
*
i bought material to make curtains so i can keep the heat out but i still have to finish the edging and buy things to hang them
*
i have to fix my car… god only knows what they will tell me, might end up needing 800 or more in repairs if they get looking for reasons to take my money
*
i need the cd player deblocked and the driverside chair deblocked..hope i dont need new tires AGAIN.. i have to get it checked for that thing you do.. cant remember the name in english or french but that thing for making it road legal cause that is coming up next month
*
it is sluggish..does that mean new spark plugs or something? i dont know cars
*
my cat and the neighbors cat are trying to piss in my plants… inside plants…
*
neighbor was a drunk fuck, he smashed up his car on the new road hump that was installed with all the other lovely changes to the little town i live in… he fucked up a lot of shit and each airbag deployed and front window has long cracks and there was oil allll over… same neighbor that has no problem trying to molest me or tries to get too close to the other two female neighbors (one younger than me, one older)… seems karma is going to be one cruel bitch to him
*
hope he leaves us alone, i dont need his bs
*
unemployment people look at me and say “but you dont look sick” and want me working 35 hours a week
*
i havent worked in 6.5 years and the year before that i was either pregnant or on maternity leave… so make it i havent worked part time or full time in at least 7.5 years
*
there is no way i can cope with that many hours, my health is way better but …i need more sleep than most, i need a fucking dishwasher and washing machine or i cant work..yay catch 22
*
doesnt help that they want me working as a secretary..in the uk or the states i could but no fucking way in france! just no way… it is too complicated!
*
and it doesnt help that my son goes to school 35 min north of where i live, the unemployment people want me visiting their location or working near them which is 25-30 min east of where i live and over an hour from my son… he has issues too and i cant be that far from him!
*
no one is listening to me
*
they hear what they want and do what they think i need
*
i dont get the right paperwork! i am made to look like some crazy fool that is overly paranoid! even my paranoia is justified when they keep fucking me over!
*
the people who are empathetic to my situation cant help
the ones who can help dont give a fuck and fail to see why i am so upset
*
i am fighting so many small battles and big wars
i dont want a shrink..
i want fun
*
i want a life
i want the small things
the simple things
i want friends that are closer to me than (min 35 min and i have to drive cause they dont) over 2hours away
*
i want a girls night out..whatever that means…i wouldnt know cause i dont do that
*
i want to go to the movies
*
i want the normal small shit that people take forgranted
*
i want the OPTION to do my nails and pamper myself…i just want that option
*
i want to stop “coping” ..stop existing..i want to live and have a life
*
i want to give that to my kids
*
i dont understand why everything has always been so damn complicated
*
yes, i know, there are others who have it worse
but i am not them
my pain and fears and frustrations are valid!
*
i hate this time of year
it reminds me how worthless i feel every day and try to for get that
i know it is bs..part of the damage applied to me, the traumas of being a victim vs getting past all that bs and being a survivor ..aka trying to be/look normal
*
fuck i hate this time of year
*
and too much to do …so cant keep whining…have to go bitch at people for being retarded…again!

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