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    August 2014
    M T W T F S S

Where i have been and why i haven’t been posting

Note: this was written (but not posted) on august 14th, today is the 20th and I now have keys to a rental house! I signed yesterday….

2014 has not been gentle to me
but the years before all had their challenges as well

it is only the start of august but I am ready for this year to be finished … like waking from a bad dream and finding yourself safe in bed

the last two months have been nothing but stress
multiple panic attacks, at least one per day and some weeks suffering from PTSD flash backs/flare ups which are similar to panic attacks but much more crippling

I have limited people around me
the ones who are here want to help but cant
they don’t understand
not just because of the language

some others simply don’t care, thinking I am just stressed and being a bitch

I have been trying to gain control over my life

trying to divorce my husband, starting the paperwork to be independent, trying to get a house so I can find a job, be a real person…all of this so I can gain control over my life and be able to take care of my children..to gain custody

doesn’t help that my father has gone missing 3 times this year

the first he was gone for 2 weeks, my uncle being an ass decided to contact my mom but not me, my mom didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to make me stress but also because she hates my uncle

seems my dad had a heart attack

then my dad went missing for another 2 weeks, seems he had a stroke and double pneumonia

and then he recently went silent for 10 days.. he was relapsing and had been sleeping, thinking only 2 or 3 days had passed… I worried, had no contacts…so I called the local hospital and then the cops

I love my dad, if he dies I cant do much about that…yes I will be sad but at least I will know

what bothers me is not knowing but having this feeling that something is wrong, the idea of not knowing, the inability to not say “I love you” or “goodbye”

I don’t cope with the not knowing

and yes I am a sentimental, loving fool… I cried like he was a best friend or close family when I found out robin williams died… never met the man but he touched my life with his work and the little I know of his past/early life

so what else

been trying to get a house, I need to rent somewhere but I am a risk
I have no job, I use government money…that is a different story as that took 6 months to start!
I have 3 children and a kitten
I am a risk

and yet I have rented most of my life
I know the rules of being a good tenant and I am the type to try and leave a place in better condition than when I arrived

but I am a risk

I tried having a photography expo and that went to hell
the pictures I ordered got fucked up
the ones I had were not good enough but all I could give
I have not even bothered to go see what they did
I just handed them over, in tears, frustrated because it started while my father was missing the first time

I have just been too stressed

it has been just too much

I broke up with my boyfriend
I still love him but it has never been “the one/true love” kind of thing
we knew it would end when I find a house
but still, the end has been a bitch
too much struggling to be happy and making each other miserable instead
being so lonely
so fucking lonely

when I have this much stress I desperately need touch, affection..it helps
it heals
but I wasn’t getting that and I wasn’t allowed to go out and seek it
so I got worse instead of better or at the very least stable

challenge after challenges
i keep going
I have no choice

it is like the universe knows I am close to reaching one of my major goals
knows that I will jump this fence and need a pause and then head right for the next big challenges
so it is as if the universe is tossing anything and everything it can in my path to slow me down and test me

whether that is true or not doesn’t matter
it is how life feels to me right now

I asked someone for help
I rarely do that
I rarely trust enough to ask
I was very low, I was in so much pain and I was at the edge of breaking down

I have hit rock bottom and I wont go back but I can still crack
I try like mad to avoid that

well the past weekend was the straw that tried to break my back

I have not been sleeping well for 2 months
just too much to do and feeling so alone
in some cases having to be alone because I have no clones to help me without needed hours of explanations that I cant give

well not enough sleep
too much stress
2 weeks of being sick from staying at the ex’s house (still mine till paperwork changes)
I had to pack boxes, clean after the mess and god the dust

there has to be mold somewhere too
but the dust and the bugs and the mice
I don’t care how well he SAYS he cleans
there is always evidence that he hasn’t done nearly well enough
cleaning zones that “matter” and ignoring others

anyway, that caused a flare up to my autoimmune disorder

all of this has left me weak and on the edge of bitching or crying
sometimes both

and my son turned 17

well this past weekend he decided to go off and party with friends in the woods
he got drunk and called me to pick him up
then it turns out, when I get him back, that I need him to go to emergency

he had single handedly drank a bottle of tequila..
later I learn a cocktail mix of desperado beer and something else on top of the tequila

so what do you do?
You stay calm, you keep him calm, you keep him comfy and propped up
try to keep him conscious and contain were the vomit goes
and you wait for the ambulance

then you get his papers out to give the ambulance
try to keep your sanity and humor
clean up
pack a bag of things for him and things to keep yourself busy
and follow after the ambulance

I was in the hospital with him for 5 hours, making sure someone watched over him while he slept
he had woken up and been semi coherent and very funny
but the rest was sleeping

not easy
not comfy in a folding chair
I had my book and my juice
I finished my book
I hurt
I got so fucking tired

I flag down a nurse and ask if I can go home and sleep a lil
she tells me yes, just give a call around 13hr so I can meet with the psychologist or whoever to evaluate my son and since he is a minor I have to be there too

takes me 30 min to drive home
20 min to get undressed, nibble a lil food, wash face and change for bed
then call happens
hospital says I need to be back in 40 min to meet with the shrink lady

oh I fucking lost it
I desperately needed to sleep, I was in tears and bitchy
I tried desperately to explain I had not sleep, I was exhausted, not safe to drive and that because of my illness I was in massive pain from sitting in a folding chair all night

but no, not good enough
so she gives me less than an hour and 30 min
I wasted most of that crying, trying to calm down to get a short 15 min of sleep
the rest getting dressed, trying not to cry again and drive back

I am still exhausted
still not sleeping well
and all of this has been too much for me

so I asked someone for help
if I would have had his voice on recoding
he has helped me sleep before
usually talking to me via skype
doesn’t matter what he says or which language
he calms me
his voice calms me
I trust him and feel safe with him
I begged for a recording
and for whatever reason I have no reply

I thought he would understand
he is military
I am suffering from PTSD
I needed a friend
a safe zone
but I guess I am an idiot and again too much for normal people

so I will just have to calm myself as usual
do things for myself
and keep being there for others who have no one and lack the strength or skills to cope the way I do

another reason I am so hurt and angry that robin williams died
I know it is arrogant of me but I wonder, if I had met him…could I have been able to help
it hurts I was never given a chance
and it hurts that others will go without having the chance to have me in their life
I do make an effort to find others, to heal them if I can, if they let me
I can’t reach everyone though

so tired
so lonely
hard having people in my life that are pretty much online only
and too many are fair weather friends only

soon I will see my “dog” again
at the very least my feet will be beautiful and he will hold me like I am the most important “thing”/person in the world

that will help in small doses

from now on I am done with boyfriends and all that
when I want sex
when I want affection
when I need a hug
when I need to give to others
it will be my choice


if I go a long time without posting
unless you follow me on facebook and pay attention to my drama there
just assume that my life is crazy

hopefully I will start to post more often again
be inspired to write and explore

have missed you all
have missed being me