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    December 2012
    M T W T F S S

Thursday to Monday all the pain

Where to start…

I had been really looking forward to this very short trip to London

Picking up my letter confirming I am allowed to drive, along with the card, seeing friends at different parties and helping out at the events

Day to day had been very busy, lots going on and many people trying to grab my attention for a short while

Others for a longer while and with the madness of finding those last minute bobbles to make my costume look ace… yeah that just made things worse

Thursday night I went and stayed with some friends, they often have groups of people over and it’s no big deal if I spend the night

That night we had all had been drinking and I was getting exhausted, they said I could crash in the spare room and since I had nothing planned, I went in and got naked in the bed

The ends of my pants had been very wet from stepping in puddles and there was just no way was I going to be sleeping in dirty clothing

One of the guys came in and climbed in with me, no biggy, I have had sex with him before and enjoy his company

This night was a lil different though, he seemed more confident and aggressive

I started off interested but no matter what we did I stayed very dry and it was starting to hurt so I told him we needed to stop

And I kept telling him with words and action to stop

Pushing him away with arms or at points with my legs but a lot of it just seemed to turn him on and at one point I raised my arm so that when he would try to get in close to me, his neck pressed on my arm

I was purely in defensive mode

At one point he left and I thought it was done but then he came back and it started again

I had had enough and I needed to sleep so I got out of bed and started getting dressed

He tried to stop me a few times to try and understand what was wrong but at that point I had no words

I was angry and fighting off a panic attack, I had to keep my head clear and that was growing harder by the minute

I just had to get away, I had to get out into the cold air and calm down

Nearly fully dressed

He tried some more to stop me and I stood there, counting…

One! Finger up and me angry

Two! Second finger up

He wouldn’t give me my last shoe

I waited and instead of counting to three, I looked him hard in the eye, confirmed that I wouldn’t get my shoe back that way and went for my bag

In it I had a kink made thin pain stick, it stings and can leave a mark if used correctly but is not made to be used for fighting

But I had it in my bag

I had it with me

He wouldn’t give me my shoe

I needed control and I was going to have it

So I pulled the pain stick out and as I stood up fully with my arm outstretched behind me from the action of pulling it from my bag… it made this satisfying sound through the air

The sound was like a confirmation that I was not going to be a victim

I was serious

If he didn’t give me the shoe…

If he didn’t allow me to leave…

I was going to switch from defensive to offensive

He gave me the shoe, I shouldered my bag and left

All without making a huge fuss

Yes this was my friend’s home but this was my battle and I was not going to take the time to cause and more drama than what was going on

All I could think of was… fuck, this is now the 4th time someone has tried to rape me, I will not fucking let it happen, I need to get out now

Anything else didn’t matter to me at that point

Left the building, called a friend, he came and picked me up

Hardly got any sleep

Friday afternoon rolls around and I have to help set up the venue for the xmass party that friends of mine were hosting

This party was of the kink variety and had some interesting people show up, a lot a knew… as well as many I did not

The group had a few setbacks, some cancelations and other things to trip over

I got put in charge of making up the xmass grotto, the area that would be used as a photo booth during the event

Once I had a basic understanding of what needed to be done and which supplies to use… I gathered up the guys I needed and put them to work

Decorating the xmass tree was the easiest and I had done that before being in charge of the grotto, it had to be moved from the main room to the grotto and I wasn’t gonna handle that

So… one guy does this and the other does that, you are going to sweep and don’t forget to hold this while I cut that

Orders flowing and getting attention focused on my needs and wants… ah one of the few times people ever see me in a sort of Domme mode, as what I was doing was very akin to when I am at home and having my children help out around the house

Once everything was set up, I moved on into the main room to see what else I could do, I am not the type to sit still and let people stress

I know that with the event running a lil behind schedule that we had to hurry and think outside the box… it worked and everything was lovely

Taking claim to the grotto, I changed in there and had the lovely photographer help me with my laces, he did very well considering he is new to corsetry

The night was good, very long and amazingly tame

At the end I stayed to help break down the event, put items away and headed to the hostel for a good long nap

Later Saturday afternoon I met up with a friend and we headed over with our bags to the hotel, the plan had been to get dressed there, have a good night at the erotic art party and then go back to the hotel for some fun

Yeah… that HAD BEEN the plan

The party was great fun, a lot less people than expected but overall the night had been wonderful

I had a few to drink and when I saw a friend get more and more upset it was no surprise I ran out of the venue after her to try and talk her into coming back for a cab or to walk her to a mutual friends house

That didn’t happen though as midway through the walk a police officer stops me, supposedly tells me I should cover up (due to my outfit), gets in my way and gives enough time for the friend I had been with to walk off into the crowd

I don’t remember a lot of what was said

I did see the CCTV account of most of it that wasn’t blocked out by blind angles

There is no sound so you cannot hear what either of us were saying but after a good couple of seconds of talking in the blind spot, we enter an opening and it is clear that I am upset

I cannot find my friend, I am angry, panicking and vented my frustration on the only target I had… to my drunk mind I was being stopped by some random male with a very dominant and aggressive behavior … he may have meant to be helpful but in the state I was in, he was being an obstacle and I lost my control

I bitched at him as he had started to walk off, he turns and I hit his hard in the chest with my fist, to which he tosses me to the ground and I struggled to free myself

I remember flashes of it, I know what I did based off of seeing the video but I don’t remember a lot of it.

Not only was I drunk but I was in panic mode, lapsing back into PTSD over not being able to take care of someone I cared about, worried and horrified that something might happen to her due to her state and lapsing back to the panic I had to stem off from a few nights earlier

So yes I was drunk but I was also in full on panic attack and those combined are a strong thing

Later I was taken to the police station, took ages to get anyone to really listen about me getting phone calls, notifying people of where I was and making sure my pain was managed

I ended up with huge bruises on my hands, wrists, spots of bruising on my arms, knees and legs as well as severe back pain

My back had already started hurting worse than usual on Thursday and the wrestling with the cop didn’t help either

The accommodations, while typical for their needs… it was horrible for mine

All I could do to pass the hours was sleep or pace and that made my back worse as well as pinching the sciatic nerve more

When the first put me in the cell, I was put on watch due to IN THE PAST being suicidal and it was nice having someone there… I don’t do well in isolation

So I took the mat that posed for a bed and I laid it at the entrance to the door and sat with them, chatting

The more sober I became and the more relaxed they were, the more we got to talking about normal stuff

They both seemed like really cool guys that just happened to have bad timing

I think they started to see as well that I was not some kind of deviant freak that would enjoy hurting them more or being difficult

I made the experience pleasant and I think that really surprised a lot of people

Normally I try very hard not to ever hurt people, nearly bending over backwards to help and heal others

For me to lash out like this just goes to prove how far gone I had been, how deep I had been into protector mode and a sort of mom role… like a lioness

I had nothing personal against these cops, it wasn’t as if I hated others in authority or that I had some weird hang-ups over officers

It was simply a case of… I was purely focused on protecting someone, nothing else mattered

Anyway I did make personal apologies to the gentleman I hit, I wrote some down as well as the verbal ones I said and later the ones recorded on tape for future evidence

Over all the staff was very friendly, really likeable but way over booked and that made things very slow

The lawyer appointed to me was a sweetheart, you could tell he was used to dealing with the more stupid side of people that get arrested… yes I behaved stupidly but I was very much able to understand him and what was going on… even if the words were a lil big

When I was finally let out, I took a shower, had photos taken of the massive amounts of bruising and had dinner with two lovely friends

Both took good care of me, I was very out of it, very submissive, very much in shut down mode

The pain is still very intense now and I shouldn’t be typing but I have to get this out of my head

When I go back to France I am scheduled to see my GP and get a prescription for some x-rays on my hands/wrists and back

One of my friends stayed the night in another room and made sure I was really ok the next morning and through most of the afternoon

Just having him there really helped, he is my gent, really lovely guy

Had some amazing help from so many friends through all of this, I don’t know how to thank everyone enough

I have decided though, as this is the second time this one friend has been a drunken fool… I don’t think it is safe for my health to have her in my life, she doesn’t want me and refuses to admit she needs help from anyone

In the past I have cut ties from people I care about due to their use of drugs and or alcohol, it hurt me deeply but I had to set a limit

With this friend it was a shorter limit but the effect bit me very hard

I hope she sobers up, gets the help she needs and grows from it but right now, I am done










2 Responses

  1. Grrrr. I am -so- sorry that happened. Some people try to quantify rape, put it on some sort of spectrum…this is worst, but this is a little ok, and this is hardly even countable…NO! Rape, ie unconscensual (sp?) sex, by or to male or female, is WRONG. Period, final, end of story. *sighs, steps down from soapbox* On a more personal note, the police thing sounds like an adventure of the more annoying kind, and I think you made the right decision about your friend. We all want to try to help people, but sometimes people don’t want it, won’t accept it, no matter how much they may need it…and at those times it’s safer for you to just step away. *hugs*

  2. I couldn’t really “Like” this since I definitely don’t like what happened to you but right on for standing your ground. I’ve vacationed Hedonism II twice and participated in several “Swinger” parties State side but it amazes me that some guys still don’t understand the difference between consensual rough sex and rape. Not moralizing but the being drunk thing on either party’s part doesn’t help make this vital discrimination task easier or safer…

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