oh look!… why yes that’s rodent shit… aren’t you lucky!

so lets sum up this year in my housing situation (ok really just about 6 months)

mid august i sign papers on a 3bd house
it is technically a townhouse although the whole thing was once a big stone thing…now divided into 3 different houses and refurbish/extensions and all that happy whooha

near the middle of nowhere with a lil bit of garden and some land in front that is wild run space for the neighborhood cats (mine included)

wasnt my first choice but being poor, on french gov help (read that as slow as fuck and random due to so many complications that the US system actually “seems” competent) i dont have many options and i was on a deadline that was fading fast

i pay too much
sept comes around quick… neighbor is fucking MENTAL as all get up and not the fun kind..starts stalking me all the way through october

oct.. starting to get cold, cant keep house warm enough, always damp and neighbor fucktard ruins my birthday and halloween… remember me ranting about wanting to slash his throat for kissing me and putting his hands on me without invite?

nov… son and i have both been sick, he has missed over 130hrs of school.. oh look MOLD IN THE FUCKING HOUSE… but ya know, owners mom (one of neighbors) says just air the house 20min each day and use vinegar or bleach.. my son and i are fucking allergic to chemicals smells and mold… and i am paying wayyyyyy to much to heat the house and it is always cold!

dec… son drops out of school cause of abuse from school over his sickness and doctors being dicks…got someone to clean the mold but it is in the strips around the windows so those have to come out and be resealed… iaint touching that….

jan… you hear that? yeah google heard that… something in the ceiling and the side wall.. fuck… mold coming back slowly, bill 2 for heating still too damn high (for nothing) wiring off in certain areas, other small issues

feb… rinse repeat all the fucking above..threw out some food that had gone molding on the outside..flour…rice was swollen in the box… lovely

oh look! its march 3rd 2:23 am and guess what I HAVE FECAL MATER IN MY “CLOSET”… i made a glass fall to the floor and break..not meaning to, the table was too cluttered while i was cooking

google was seriously interested in me cleaning up the glass but my 17yr old held the cat down to keep him out of the way as i swept up

then i bend down near the “closet”… thats animal shit… i know that smell, i worked with rodents before
the “closet” is a small door and “area” with open pit like thing with ladder down into cellar/cave.. yeah that door stays closed, i like my wine where i can drink it

so i never open it… but i open it tonight
the opening was closed off with a cement lid, it can be removed but can also make the whole thing usable for storage…as fucking if! not with all the moisture in this house
so on the slab i see shit all over, some fresher than others, some grey tuffs that could be fur or mold of excellent standing… i didnt really look that hard

took a pic with a 2€ coin… think about the size of a quarter.. some of the droppings were nearly the diameter of the damn coin … think just under an inch

there is also a “shelf” like ceiling which had poo in one area but not where the piping is so i am doubting rats
i looked outside and the window to the area above the shelfing thing… not open and slightly higher and to one side is poo smears…
all of that being well over 7′ up

i could fucking scream
not that it is rodents
already saw a cute lil one in the garage but not typical mouse, different tail… i know mice

no i could scream in frustration
i could grab the damn rodent (if found) and swing the fucker by its tail and bash it into the wall, brain first
so fucking fed up with trying so hard to just have the simple things in life and every blessing is just another time bomb waiting to blow

sorry… needed to vent

venting or more smurfs will be added to the pot…

ok maybe not since i have no more blue coloring but i have yellow and red!

i could.. ummm…i could kill elmo and big bird!

lol though no more pancakes

maybe cookies

so… here is todays rant

i post this because some people only pay attention to my blogs and others hate when i send personal emails of my ranting since they can’t really help and this sort of depersonalizes it

really i would love some help, to be stress free or at least LESS stressed

but i dont expect help

i rant to get this shit out of my head so i can move on

and so i can look back and remember my life when i have forgotten the details

so here goes…

huge fight the other night with my 17yr old
typical stuff
him saying pity me pity me and me saying i am in the same damn boat suffering the same exact shit and his shit on top of mine and i have been doing it longer
shape up, help out and then we can go do stuff instead of always repeating the same damn shit
*sigh*

so he “freaks” and cleans his room but adding all kinds of stuff to 4 latge trash bags… ya know, cleaning house, helping out

i was wise to go through them because there was a ton of stuff that can be recyled, more that is mine, more that his brothers can enjoy and i just loved sitting on the floor going through each bag worried will i stab myself on pins (sewing supplies) or slice my finger on razor blades (disposable heads for shaving) or find actual trash of a nature i reallly dont want to be touching

*sigh*

no rest for moms

oh and i woke up early, cleaned the kitchen, made breakfast, cleaned kitchen again, then beat the rug, then cleaned even more!!! this last time with a mop… *head desk*

seriously with this much shit to do by myself with a teen that makes enough mess for 5 people and a cat and occasionally my boys… how the fuck do the unemployment people expect me to have enough energy to even think of LOOKING for a job let alone having one at 35hrs a week

fucking morons have no idea what it is like to walk my shoes with an autoimmune disorder

i still have food shopping to do… not that i have the funds to feed so many people

the joys of the first judge saying i dont need so much money for my one son or any money for the other two since they have been living with my ex while the divorce and custody battle are settled

lol obviously people forgot that while i only have my kids every other weekend and half of every vacation

i ever so KINDA need to feed them and do their laundry (as the lil one still wets the bed) and i dont have a washing machine and of course there is gas for the car to get to places where i can afford to buy “bulk” items (god i miss sams club and cosco, nothing remotely close like that here) and gas to get my 13yr old to his violin lesson… and the ex wants me to pick up the boys from school on wednesdays (half days) so he doesnt pay daycare cost and in theory i spend time with them.. gas gas gas gas FUCKING gas and more money to do something with them as i refuse to go spend time with them in my (legally my name still on that shit hole) ex’s house and feeding them again cause half day doesnt always mean school lunch

*head desk*

…. *head desk*

oh the hitting of head to desk and screaming at walls… story of my life or at least most of it

if only i was exaggerating

honestly, when you spend every day this frustrated and ill and unmotivated

how is it you are expected to function

feeling like a failure at every turn and having to keep pushing through this shit

it is like trying to swim through the river ankh as cut me own throat dibler is standing on the river trying to sell you meat pies and someone keeps throwing sacks of kittens to drown on you… but those of you that know the river ankh in the town of ank morepork realize that you cant do any of that except maybe dibbler standing on it and selling pies

it is one long river of solid mass

probly where d&d jelly cubes get their starting point before becoming more or less sentient

i dont want to swim the river ankh

i dont want to walk it either

i dont want to be in ankh morpork

i want to be happy and feel like all my effort has been worth it

sadly the option of selling everything or putting shit into storage and just wandering off is not viable

fuck it sucks being a good person that follows the rules and takes their responsibilities seriously

can i have some fun please?

anyway…

this blog is mine… it’s me.. and the fun is great

the images are fun

the meme’s are a challenge i can take or leave

but please understand.. the FebPhotoFest2015 was a big deal for me

i set a goal and i did it

only one person really understood how much of a challenge that was for me

and he was proud of me

i wish i was exaggerating what i go through, i don’t even tell half of it

venting helps get this crap out of my system

i am not saying pity me pity me

i am saying… either i type this or i scream and they huwl me off to the loony-bin

sharing this once with many people lesses the risk of frying out the few people around me that listen and are friends

wouldnt be the first time to have people leave me because they cant cope with my life

so… one step at a time, as much as i hate that..

for now i would settle for a house that is (more often) clean, organised and a living room that i can live in instead of a storage unit… *sigh*

ok off to shop and figure out what to feed the kids that they will eat… picky lil things

sadness, humor and dead smurfs

normally i try to participate in the Sinful Sunday meme run by Molly of Molly’s daily kiss

but this weekend has a challenge to the fun

a twist that i simply could not put to image

i had words galore of what i could say for the 5 senses

ideas that i could put to image if allowed a room full of models

or friends haha

but i have been too ill the last few days

and later this afternoon i was in a fit of rage

dealing with a teenager is never easy

often times he is my mirror and we both sound petty and selfish

trying to clean the house while angry

not easy

my other two boys are staying this week

the second half of vacation

so i try so damn hard to make this place easy for them

hard when i still need so many things

a couch, storage units of all sizes, proper curtains

i did buy material to block the cold but i dont have the right machine to sew the ends to hang them

everywhere i look there is some “thing” that reminds me how much i feel like i am failing

not easy to stay positive when you keep feeling attacked from every tiny thing

so by the time the boys were all here

i wanted a vacation

i was depressed, angry, tired

i took a quick break while the machine did the dishes it was supposed to do last night

when done i still had energy to burn

a need to “kill” something

smash bash and crash things

so i beat the crap out of some eggs haha

made more pancakes

i yelled up the stairs to the boys saying

“I KILLED SOME SMURFS!!!”

turns out smurf blood is blue but as it oxidizes it turns green

ok maybe not but that is the story i am sticking to as to why my blue dye turned the pancakes green

was either that or i tell the boys i saved a sample of hulk sperm

hahah which i could have done easily with the water i removed from the rice

i added too much (as usual) and i have a habit of draining it out while still hot and using it later for other cooking

as it cools it solidifies into this discussing jelly like mess

i might just need to try coloring that haha

yeah brain is a bit tired

i would like to say i need a vacation but it isnt that

i need strength

i need courage

i need a brain

i have far too much heart but more is good

humor helps

anyway here is the last of the smurf blood

day 28 #FebPhotoFest2015 not a size queen

slept all day

most of last night too

not feeling well

gonna keep this last picture simple

one i havent shown on my blog before

yet it is a pic that gets me lots of comments on other sites

from the erotica expo in london

really i am not a size queen

sweet dreams

day 27 #FebPhotoFest2015 teasing the geeks.. unzip this…

last night i was given a great idea

i had put on my robe

one that i bought in london

the only oddity with this robe is that it zips closed

it zips from bottom to top

not the easiest to walk in

but sexy as hell to take off

as proving my point

i wore this robe tonight

he suggested that i tease the geeks

since i did foot fetish yesterday

i should show off to the geeks

help them to unzip

next geeks i chase after will be my lovely gamers

sweet dreams

i am off to bed